368 replies to this topic

[Traveler2586]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[Raider Nation Fisher]

Lol. That's funny right there.

[Traveler2586]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

[Raider Nation Fisher]

So the CIA, FBI, and Bham police department are having a disagreement over who can catch a criminal fastest, with their investigative techniques. So they decide the first one that can catch a black bear wins the contest.
The CIA goes first. They set up a Intel network with all the Forrest animals. Spend a 6 digit figure on cover stories and disguises. After a year of searching they conclude Black Bears don't exist.
The FBI goes next. They split off in two man teams and begin questioning the forrest animals. After setting up surveillance teams for 6 months. They burn the forrest down and claim that they got the black bear and he is no longer a threat.
The Birmingham PD goes into the woods and after 45 minutes come out dragging a battered, bruised, and bleeding mountain lion behind them. Which is screaming "All Right, All Right, I'm a black bear."

[Traveler2586]

LOL, LOL,...... we would spend 6 digits on the project....


The husband store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Seattle, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor.
4. You cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor.
Floor 2 - The sign says these men have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor.

Floor 5 - The sign says that these men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor.
Floor 6 - The sign says you are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner open ed a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Go figure.....

[Scorcher214]

First floor sounds good enough to me haha.

One of my favorites

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the **** out of a ghost!"

[Traveler2586]

Here's one for us ole timers.....

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

[Traveler2586]

A long, long, time ago, an old Scotsman was out fishing the Mississippi with his hook and worm Cain pole when his hook became stuck on something under the water.
Unable to shake it free, he thought about going in after it, but the old river’s current was just too strong. Perplexed by this, he returned to his Ox cart nearby for a shot of whisky while he thought out what to do. While grumbling about his misfortune to his Ox, he hit on the solution!
He dug a diversion channel, blocking off the river bend he was fishing. Now, with no current to contend with, he dove in to retrieve his hook, and then continued fishing.
They say, along the river to this day, you can still see everywhere the old Scotsman got his hook stuck, and the places are called Oxbows….
EMM, 03/26/12

[Ratherbfishing]

Two vultures are eating a dead clown and one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Traveler2586]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

[Alpster]

An older fellow was on his death bed and had only a short time to live. He wanted to clear his consience about an issue so he asked her to go into the closet and retrieve a metal box. In the box was 3 golf balls and $28,000 in cash. She hurried back to his bed and said "I don't understand". He said honey, I have to tell you that I have been unfaithful to you and every time I did so I put a golf ball in that box. She said through her tears, Oh honey, there are only 3 golf balls in the box and we have been maried for more than 40 years, I can forgive you for that, but where did all the money come from?..........................................He said, every time I had a dozen golf balls, I sold them. He died the next moment.

Ronnie

[Traveler2586]

LOL, now that was a lot of golf balls....

[Raider Nation Fisher]

One day Little Johnny is walking around the house trying to find his parents. After 30mins of searching he goes to check his parents bedroom. He opens the door and catches hos parents in a very compromising position. His dad who heard the door open looks up and grins at him and flashes him a thumbs up. Blinded by the sight in front of him Johnny slams the door and sprints from the house. The next day Johnnys dad is looking around the house for him. He opens Johnnys door to find him in the bed with his grandma. Johnny looks over at his enraged father and says, "Not so dang funny when its your mom is it jerk!"

[slonezp]

"Mommy!...Mommy!.. Why am I running in circles?"




"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor"

[Traveler2586]

LOL, LOL,

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree;
one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'