lol!!

Women don't understand how a man with 2 perfectly good kidneys can say he can't afford to buy her a new fur coat. 

Anyone who says their wedding days was the best day of their life, has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
 

2 friends talking:  Guy1: My wife left me for my best friend. Guy2: I thought I was your best friend. Guy1: You were, now its him.

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had
sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very
short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs slightly apart, just enough to realize she wasn't wearing underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection from her shoes...

LOL!

So much gold in this thread, hahah

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.