Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced,  'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.  If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'  

An  airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship  into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the  first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and  give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.'  He said that, in light of  his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,  thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had  gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.    

She  said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why,  no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The  little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

As the  plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over  the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella,  WHOA!'

After  a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a  landing like that.'  

Another flight attendant's comment on a  less than perfect landing:  'We ask you to please remain seated as  Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

Overheard on an American Airlines flight  into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the  final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an  extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen,  welcome to Amarillo .  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts  fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the  gate!'

'Your  seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency  water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'  

'As  you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything  left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.   Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman  over there.'  

Heard  on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City    The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a  bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't  the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight  attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

After  a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once  the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the  door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the  terminal.'  

Part  of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks  for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to  go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll  think of US Airways.'  

Heard  on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,  the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'me,  you can smoke 'me.'  

A  plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport .  After it reached a  comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the  intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome  to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles ...  

The weather  ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  

Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'  Silence followed, and after  a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and  Gentlemen, I am so sorry I f I scared you earlier.

While I was talking to you,  the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing.  You should see the back of mine!'

That's the funniest stuff I've read in a long time. The old lady's comment about being shot down is priceless.

;D ;D ;D That's good stuff!

The most unnerving flight I've been on was on the way back from france. I'm relatively certain that the pilot learned to fly in Vietnam so I understand the ladies comment about being shot down.