Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

If people from Poland are called Poles,

then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,

then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?What are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I wonder around income tax time, did you ever notice:

When you put the two words 'The ' and 'IRS' together, it spells

'THEIRS'?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

I LMAO at this one. I can't believe I've never heard that one before.

Here's some more

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 49. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm..

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the

cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What

the heck happened?"

22. Just remember --if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . It's more like a jar of

jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . It's more like a jar of

jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

LMAO!!

Just brought home some chinese take-out, and tried eating rice with two toothpicks.

Apperently, chinese babies are more coordinated than me.