RETIRED HUSBAND
   
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.  Unfortunately, like most men;  I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.   Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
   
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
     
Dear Mrs. XXXXX:  
  
Over the past six months, your  husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
       
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  
     
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:   

1.   June 15:  He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.  
     
2.   July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 
  
3.  July 7:  He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.  
     
4.  July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.  
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn
resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.  We don't have a Code 3.  
    
5.  August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.   
  
6.  August 14:  Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.  
   
7.  August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if  they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.    
     
8.  August 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people 
just leave me alone?'  EMTs were called. 
    
9.  September 4:  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.   
    
10.  September 10:  While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.   
   
11.  October 3:  Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 
    
12.  October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.    
   
13.  October 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'   
     
14.  October 22:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed:
 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES  AGAIN!' 
   
15.  October 23:  Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?  
     
And last, but not least:  
   
16. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly,
'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'   One of the clerks passed out. 
  
 
Sincerely Yours,
 
XXXXXXXX XXXXXX
Store Manager, Target #1233
 

My wife now thinks that I should spend my time -  Fishing more often.

That's an old one, a very old one.

#13 I thought I invented that!!!!

That's an old one, a very old one.

 

I thought I had read that before.

 

Hootie

Had not seen that before. Very funny!

That's pretty good.

Hilarious!

LOL! I've heard this before and it cracks me up every time.

I would do this. I am not even retired, or even close to it.

Iv`e probably read that six times or more?,but at my age it was new all over again,thanks