A woman asked her husband if she was the only one he had ever slept with. He said, "Yes, all the others were nines and tens." 

I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.

Don't irritate old people. The older we get, the less "Life in prison" is a deterrent.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought "Their cornbread isn't done in the middle."

I really don't mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90's when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate."

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas. 

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation. 

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday. 

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn't afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely. 

I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test... same thing.

10 minutes ago, Whatever said:

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation. 

 

   So true. So true.                      jj

I must admit, I had to read the first three times before I got it. ?...loved it!

 

Thanks for sharing @Whatever!

These are terrific  and some are so true  ?

I read these to my wife at dinners done we both laughed