December 1...To All Employees

> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held

> on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of

> spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel

> free to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed

> as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.

> Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please

> remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.

> Merry Christmas to you and yours,

> Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

> --

> December 2...To All Employees

> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish

> employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and

> often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from

> now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy

> also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

> There will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.

> Happy holidays to you and yours.

> Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

> --

> December 3...To All Employees

> Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics

> Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate

> your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table

> that reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.

> In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union

> members feel that $10 is too much money.

> Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

> --

> December 7...To All Employees

> I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest

> away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to

> the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do

> not have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And,

> yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.

> Happy now?

> Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

> --

> December 9...To All Employees

> People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to

> play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be

> "Satan." There is no evil connotation to our own little "man in a red

> suit."

> Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

> --

> December 10...To All Employees

> Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at

> Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit

> at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and

> you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes

> have feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can

> hear them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die,

> you hear me?

> The Witch from Hell

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------

> --

> December 14...To All Employees

> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy

> recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward

> your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has

> decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of

> the 23rd off with full pay.

> Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

It looks like all the bulletins my wife gets from work.

Falcon

That would be funny if it weren't so freakin true.