Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Matt Fly

Grandma's Sleeping pills.......

Recommended Posts

A doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her

 life,finally retired.

 At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of

all

 the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

 As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide

as

 he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

   "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

   "Yes, they help me sleep at night."

   "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these

that

   could possibly help you sleep!"

   She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

   "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and

mix it

   in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old

   granddaughter drinks..................................And

believe me,

   it helps me sleep at night."

   [You gotta love Grandmas!]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Matt, I was just getting on here to find out where you've been with the jokes.  Thanks for that one.  It's not up to your hight standards but I heard one the other day:

A newlywed couple returned from their honeymoon and when the husband was leaving for work the first day his wife asked him to stop by the store on the way home and pick her up a cookbook.  He said, "Sure honey, what kind of cookbook would you like?"

The new bride thought for a second, then replied, "One that says, 'Step one: Walk into kitchen (that's the room with the refrigerator).'"

I hope you guys have wives who can cook.  I sure do! :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Now that sounded like my mother's mother!!! Wish I had thought of that for my two girls! My prescription was fear. You see at that time I was heavy into body building (the building now needs a major overhaul) and at 6' 5" and 235 lbs my daughters dates took notice but what really got their notice was when they saw me putting my UZI back together. My girls were always home on time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wonder what methods a small father figure has to go through to protect his daughters?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I wonder what methods a small father figure has to go through to protect his daughters?

Matt,

I'm 5'10" and go about 165lbs. My daughter is 5 and I plan on showing off a rather large display of guns!    

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Haven't you seen the phone commercial with the father going along on all the dates. It wasn't so long ago that was the norm maybe like clothing it will come back in style again. What do you think? :-?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I wonder what methods a small father figure has to go through to protect his daughters?

I think this would work...

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest muddy

Hay Matt:

When my daughter started dating I always invited the Lad over to meet my Uncles, usually that was the last time they were around. The ones that stayed, were honorable, or had very big *********** ;D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I will conduct a background check on the boy and his family. When I can't follow them around, my old partners will. May cost me a 12 pack but ,hey, we will drink it together.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I too am 6' 230#

I have an daughter that will be 18 next month.  I had always planned the "I have the physical power to kill you" routine.  My daughter has dated 3 guys.  All great guys.  The key is in not just how you raise her but,  how you treat her.  (and especially her mother) When you give an good example of how a man should treat a woman,  they usually will know which guys are the "right" guys.  Her current just turned 18,  skipped a grade,  earned perfect SAT's and tested into college as a sophomor.   And more importantly is a great kid and a perfect gentleman.  We didn't just luck out,  we raised a girl with a good head on her shoulders. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • fishing

    fishing forum

    fishing rods

    fishing poles

    fishing reels

    fishing reels

    fishing reels

    fishing

    fishing

    bass fish

    fish for bass
    fish

×
×
  • Create New...