When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Mike Tyson

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." The third gave me more children!

Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Shaquille O'Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Tommy Lee

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Jimmy Kimmel

"Honey, what happened to 'ladies first'?" Husband replies, "That's the reason why the world's a mess today, because a lady went first!"

David Letterman

"First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffer...ing!

Jay Leno

I'm inching twords marriage, yet these already seem to ring true.

My charming spouse, A.K.A.: "The War Dept" has a saying she picked up somewhere. She repeats it quite often.

Women's faults are many,

Men have only two.

Everything they say,

and Everything they do!

When asked by people how in the world I can handle talking with my wife, I explain that I use four aspirin. I swallow two of them, and stuff one in each ear!

These are all funny but attributed to the wrong people. I have heard many of them in old Henny Youngman routines.

you should write a book.

My charming spouse, A.K.A.: "The War Dept" has a saying she picked up somewhere. She repeats it quite often.

Women's faults are many,

Men have only two.

Everything they say,

and Everything they do!

When asked by people how in the world I can handle talking with my wife, I explain that I use four aspirin. I swallow two of them, and stuff one in each ear!

Now thats some funny stuff.

I've been married so long I don't even look both ways before crossing the street anymore.

I'm inching twords marriage, yet these already seem to ring true.

I will tell you what I was told before I got married, "Don't do it!" I had random strangers tell me this when they heard I was getting married. I didn't get it then, but I do now after 11 years.

Dean, you are right.

I catch Henny Youngman on Sirus Radio every so often and he is very funny.

No matter who is credited with saying them, they are funny.