I once had a chameleon that couldn’t change color……….they called it a reptile dysfunction….

 

My new book about falling down the stairs will be out soon. It’s a step-by-step guide.

 

My young daughter once got hurt in a peek-a-boo accident . She had to go to the I-see-you.

What do you get when you eat 17 cookies out of the 24 pack?

 

 

Diabetes 

This one's sort of a visual deal . . .

https://www.gif-vif.com/g/CLEAN

A-Jay

You hear they're not making Fords any longer?

 

They're long enough.

15 minutes ago, A-Jay said:

This one's sort of a visual deal . . .

https://www.gif-vif.com/g/CLEAN

A-Jay

What did I just watch????

8 minutes ago, slonezp said:

You hear they're not making Fords any longer?

 

They're long enough.

See Paul, dreams do come true! 
 

As soon as I saw the title to this thread I knew you’d be all over it! 

1 minute ago, 12poundbass said:

See Paul, dreams do come true! 
 

As soon as I saw the title to this thread I knew you’d be all over it! 

You dream about me?

11 minutes ago, slonezp said:

You dream about me?

Are you dreaming about me, dreaming about you? ?

6 minutes ago, 12poundbass said:

Are you dreaming about me, dreaming about you? ?

I dream about you dreaming about me dreaming about you.

17 minutes ago, slonezp said:

I dream about you dreaming about me dreaming about you.

 

OK. Enough with the nightmares, already!  ?                 jj

How many apples grow on trees?

All of them. 
 

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesnt matter he ain’t coming. 
 

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Ruberto

  

What did the bartender say to the turkey sandwich when it tried to order a beer?

“Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

 

  

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one. 

 

  

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

 

 

 

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.

 

What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest.

 

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

 

What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Cause 7 ate 9.

2 men walk into a bar. The 3rd one ducked.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he could cool down.

The mechanic reply "there is an ice cream parlor a few blocks up the street" so the penguin thanked him and waddled up to the parlor. When he got there he ordered the biggest cup of vanilla ice cream they had. 

After awhile of enjoying his ice cream he started to head back to the mechanic. When he got back the mechanic said "Hey it looks like you blew a seal" then the penguin shouted "No no! It's just vanilla ice cream!"

One time, I went to a casino. I was sitting there playing a slot machine, when a guy tapped me on the shoulder. "Sir, we have a strict policy here! You have to wear a shirt in this casino!. I'll have to ask you to leave!                            At that point, I realized I'd literally lost the shirt off of my back, and it was time to go home.

I wanted to get a limo for my wife’s birthday.  They said it was $350 and I would have to drive. I said that’s ridiculous, I’m not gonna pay $300 and have nothing to chauffeur it. 

2 men walk into a bar. The 3rd one ducked.

 

Ouch!!

You know why fish are easy to weigh?  

 

They have their own scales.

2 minutes ago, Glenn said:

You know why fish are easy to weigh?  

 

They have their own scales.

 

   He said Dad jokes, @Glenn, not Granddad jokes.  ???           jj

I’ll be home in about an hour.

A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”

He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”

“No, this is the rink manager!” 

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “Yeah.”
Detector: “Beep.“
Son: “OK, OK, I was at the movies.”
Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Detector: “Beep.”
Mother laughs: “Ha! He really is your son!”
Detector: “Beep.”

meant of put a space in between the last 2 jokes sorry

point of separation, "ok now what"

A cannibal  passed his friend in the woods. 

Two cannibals are eating a comedian. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”