I have never been fired but a few companies cut off my pay so I quit.

You've gotta feel sorry for people who don't drink,

when they get up in the morning, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day

"I must have killed more people than Cecil B. DeMille."

 

Gene Wilder as The Waco Kid - Blazing Saddles

"There's enough n*****s out there to make a Tarzan movie". -- Fred Sanford, aka, Redd Foxx

"She ain't a lady if she ain't 280"

"Your a** Is grass and I'm the mother ******* lawnmower"

Flip of a coin

Tails I get head

Heads I get tail

"1913 wasn't a very good year. 1913 gave us the income tax, the 16th amendment and the IRS." - Ron Paul

 

"When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul

 

"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." - Ayn Rand

 

"To the victors belong the spoils." - Andrew Jackson

 

"One man with courage makes a majority." - Andrew Jackson

I was thinking the same thing.

"You wanna earn 14 dollars the hard way?"

"What time you due back in Boys Town?"

I don't think the heavy stuff is going to come down for quite a while.

These are movie quotes so not quite the same....

 

Sleezy uncle Michael Douglass to his parentless nephew-

                                                                                                 "What's the matter son did you get you get her to the coat check room and find out she had a ten pin up her skirt?"

 

Robin Williams when he screwed up in Good Morning Vietnam.

If I make a boneheaded blunder I use this line to myself -               "This won't look good on a resume!"

"I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."

- Alan Greenspan

Man I love that quote.

Flip of a coin

Tails I get head

Heads I get tail

 

An elevator smells different to a midget.

 

Roger

If you like your doctor you can keep your doctor.

Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and thermonuclear war.

Ain't no one monkey can stop the show -- Dad, referring to people who quit their job and think they will be missed.

 

Put your hand in a bucket of water and then withdraw it. The hole in the water is relative to how much you will be missed when you quit your job -- Dad

Her a** stuck out so far you could set a clothes basket on it.-- Store owner in SC talking about an obese woman after she left his store.

If Plan A didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters ~ Stay Cool and Try Again.

 

A-Jay

A really fat girl was dancing on a tabletop.

I said, "Wow, those are some legs!".

She said: "Ya really think so?"

I said "Yup, most tables would've collapsed by now".

 

Roger

Jr Samples on Hee Haw paying compliment to his girl

 

"well, for a fat girl you don`t sweat very much"

 

Doc ,it hurts when I do that ======doc "well then don`t do that."

 

Broke my leg in three places ===guess I should stay outta those places

 

My late uncle===soon as I get this one I`m after plus one more, I`ll have two

 

My late uncle===I`m gonna get me some false teeth and if they start acheing, I`ll just take them out,sit`em on the table and let them sob`s ache til they stop

"Tic Tac, Sir?" ~ Lloyd Christmas

"We may have to be neighbors, but I don't have to be neighborly."   -John Wayne

Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid.

The Duke..

The reason some people work like a horse is because their boss rides them -- Gabriel Heatter

Boy, the economy is in rough shape!

Last week I got a letter from an unknown bank informing me that I was "pre-declined" for a credit card.

Today I got a check back marked "Insufficient Funds".  Tomorrow I've got to find out whether that means Me or Them   

 

Roger