All the one-liners I thought of had more than one line. 

 

One time a guy got caught with something illegal in his pocket and proceeded to tell the policeman "These aren't my pants." Or the classic " I don't know how that could have gotten there."

    Detergent commercials often tout their ability to remove bloodstains from a shirt,

    but if you have bloodstains on your shirt, laundry is probably the least of your problems.

    Detergent commercials often tout their ability to remove bloodstains from a shirt,

    but if you have bloodstains on your shirt, laundry might be the least of your problems.

 

Especially if it comes with a couple of bullet holes . . . . .

 

A-Jay

The best one liner I've heard came from Tony Beets on the Gold Rush series.

 

Upon finally getting his gold dredge operating, and seeing gold in the pan said, "This is the most fun I've had with my clothes on."

 

Amazingly, that is probably the only one liner Tony utters all year on that show that doesn't include a "bleep" or two!

I didn't attend his funeral, but I did send a nice note saying I was in favor of it.

Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Time flies like an arrow.......Fruit flies like a banana.

The hardest part of being a Bartender is figuring out who's drunk, and who's just stupid!

 

Roger

Another from Tony Beets when asked why he allows his kids to do the dangerous work

 

"Because if the kids get killed on the job I won't get sued"

I'm going to DOUBLE the biggest tip you ever got

It was $50 sir....Okay here's $100...BTW who tipped you $50......It was you sir

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

-Groucho Marx

All it takes for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing unknown

Good character is not formed in a week or a month. It is created little by little, day by day. Protracted and patient effort is needed to develop good character.

Heraclitus

Put a fork in me I'm done. "Me"

Get off my lawn, Clint Eastwood

Did I fire five? or six rounds? This could be your lucky day punk.

Dirty Harry aka Clint Eastwood.

    Rugby is a sport played by men with odd-shaped balls

 

 

Roger

If you ignore your rights long enough, eventually they will go away.  (bumper sticker)

If you ain't first your last.

Another bumber sticker,

Caution: I brake for hallucinations.

I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was.

Bumper stickers?

 

"Don't laugh at my truck - You're daughter might be in it!"

"If your friends tell you that you fish too much, stop talking to them. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life."

'' I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member.''                                                                                                                                                                            Groucho Marx

"You know you're old when your underwear starts looking like a used coffee filter".

 

~ Emerson . . .Bubba Emerson 

 

A-Jay

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.