Did y'all hear about the explosion at a cheesemaker's? Da brie was everywhere.

What happened to the family of skunks when they went to church? They had to sit in they're own pew.

Two visual jokes without the visual. First one has been my dad's favorite joke since I've been alive.

 

Did you hear the one about the one armed fisherman?

He caught a fish this big! (holding out one hand in front of him to show the size of the fish rather than 2 hands)

 

You know what really burns me up?

A flame about this high.(holding your hand at waist level parallel to the ground)

 

 

 

 

4 hours ago, Mobasser said:

What happened to the family of skunks when they went to church? They had to sit in they're own pew.

The version I heard of this is 

Confucius say "He who farts in church sit's in his own pew" 

A 3 legged dog siddles up to the western bar and proclaims..i 'm looking for the guy that shot my paw!

A blonde’s house catches on fire. She calls 911. The dispatcher ask her how to get there .The blonde says” DUH! Little red truck!

You might be a redneck when you think 

“ Pass the Buck “ means seconds...

You might be a redneck if you think the stock market has a fence around it...

You might be a redneck if your family business requires a lookout...

You might be a redneck if you use the shaving cream made for tough beards... and so does your husband ! ?

Why does the ballpark get so hot after the game? all the fans left.

If arkansas, could tennesee? idaho, alaska!

Put an egg in your shoe and beat it.  Have you heard about the farmer who was outstanding in his field? Bad spellers of the world UNTIE!

I cantaloupe honeydew I haver to watermelon. 

You know why dinosaurs make terrible pets?  

 

Because they're DEAD!

5 hours ago, Glenn said:

You know why dinosaurs make terrible pets?  

 

Because they're DEAD!

Ok ok, that one got me. 

What do you call a tiny fortune teller that's on the lam?

A small medium at-large.

 

Why couldn't the marsupial get a mortgage refinanced?

It wasn't Koala-fide.

r.i.p. boiling water. You will be mist.

Can an orphan eat at a family restaurant?

If I marry 2 midgets is that bigamy?

Do poor white trash go to the movies just for the trailers?

If someone steals my identity and I kill them, am I committing suicide?

 

Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?

 

.....because Dawn is tough on Greece.

What did Buddha say to the hot dog vender? “Make me one with everything “

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

 

Toad

I started a band and called it 999 megabytes. We can't get a gig!

The earth's rotation REALLY makes my day..

I didn't want to believe he was stealing from his job with the road commision - but when he opened his garage door, all the signs were there.

What do you call a cow with no legs?  Ground beef

When I was in college, I lived on a house boat and I dated the girl next door. 

 

Unfortunately,  we drifted apart. 

I’ve never trusted stairs…

 

They’re always up to something

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breathe through that thing?”